For my archives.

Old Dogs By Stephen Dunn Those Trotskys of relationships, perpetual revolution their motto, their impatient hearts dangerous to all that's complacent, I understand them perfectly and also why someone they've left behind might travel all the way to Mexico with a pickaxe to put an end to things. It's human nature, after all, to want to put an end to things. And to start up again. "Because you can't teach old dogs new tricks," Dinah Washington said, "you got to get yourself some new dogs" She was explaining her eight husbands, And this was the argument for nine. If I'd known anyone of her old dogs no doubt I'd understand why he might have just wanted to lie on the couch and go for short walks. I've wanted to do nothing as often as I've wanted to rise up, rush into the night. Falling in love produces such anxiety, my friend says, thank God there's sex for some occasional repose. He lives for scattered episodes with one women at a time I understand that, too. as I understand year after year doing a few same things in the same house with the same person settled and unsettled, for the long haul.

Saying Yes

Since I broke up with my last bf a few weeks ago, I've acquired a new friends-with-benefits. It's the first time I've ever done anything so deliberately casual, but I'm interested in trying it out. I've enjoyed the guy's friendship for over a half year, and we've been riffing on Facebook for longer than that. He used to debate, so he likes the give and take of a good argument. Since entering the FwB arrangement, we've sent a few sexts and we're very sexually compatible, at least thought-wise. I know he's been in a long-term relationship, but mostly dicked around relationship-wise last year, so he has some experience in different contexts. He also prioritizes asking for consent - something that I haven't really experienced in my last few relationships. Turns out,consent is mad sexy. I'm not really interested in a relationship with him at this point, because it would certainly cause Drama of all sorts. And, long-term, we have different goals and emphases, so I don't know how that would work out (he's status-obsessed, I firmly identify as a proletariat). But for the time being, it's nice to have someone who's upfront about what they want and approach it rationally.

Taming the Shrew

I just realized that I don't trust anyone I hang out with on a regular basis. So, there's that. I'm not sure if that's a me-thing or a friends-thing (or possibly being an adult?) All I know is, I already know what advice I'm going to get from everyone before I ask them, no matter what situation I'm dealing with. I know who's going to comment when I get drunk, or worse, don't drink at all. I know who doesn't care. On one level, it makes life very boring and predictable. On another, I have no way to get good advice. On a third level, I am only interested in trusting and associating with people on my intelligence level, and if you consistently act as a stereotype, it doesn't lend credence to the existence of intelligence. Also, when I get bored with something, I make it harder. And I hate being a drunk. But, I historically have never been good at expressing emotions or vulnerabilities. And that goes doubly with dudes (guess that's why I'm 5-0-1 with the breakups, eh?) So, it's possible that me not trusting people is me making excuses for blocking genuine connections with people. If that's the case, I doubt that it's ever going to be resolved. I'm too damn stubborn about my independence to be willing to do the vulnerable thing.

Symptoms

I think something is seriously wrong, which means documenting symptoms is key.  Plus I don't have anyone that I can trust with this that could help or be willing to listen to me talk about this without judgement.

For the past few weeks (at least 4) I've been very tired, on both a mental and physical wavelength.  I've been too tired to socialize, to concentrate, or even to physically get out of bed in the morning.  I've changed my eating habits, bought iron tablets, slept more, but nothing has helped.  It's really getting to me - I have the urge to nap 90% of the day - and haven't been to one of my classes in a week and a half, because I lack the motivation to climb out of bed (I wake up an hour before I need to leave, and just sit.  I know the consequences, and scold myself, but I don't move).  I occasionally get dizzy spells, with minor vertigo (currently happening), but nothing that makes me think that I'm going to pass out or otherwise have issues.  I've also been significantly less hungry, although I've been making a point to try to eat /something/.

Mentally, I've been fairly depressed, but generally functional until the past week.  I started screwing up at work, slowing down the workflow at my internship, avoiding schoolwork - and midterms.  I've been hiding from people socially, and avoid interactions with people who know me.  I've still been able to put on my stranger/acquaintance face, though.  (I think other people are noticing that something's up - one of the dude's at work made an enquiry, but he might have been playing head games.  He does that).

Today, after a nap in the most fascinating class that I'm taking this semester, which I also haven't been able too take notes in for the past two weeks, due to a slowed brain, and some scheduled socialization, I had the urge to go sleep in the library (sometimes, when I get stressed, I feel better if I go sleep somewhere else, away from other humans and relative comfort.  Back in Ca, I would drive to a certain park.  Now, I use the school's 24/7 library).  I asked my bf, if he thought that I could get away with my outfit at work tomorrow, he said it was hideous. (Rebuke: rephrasing).  I walked to the bus, with a full blown anxiety problem.  First, I obsessed over my 1 page outline, due Tuesday, then whether I should dump by boyfriend, pregnancy fears, how douchy I was to drop that word on my bf, then my lack of true friends, then back to the bf, then to how bad of a student I am at this fucking school, then to how fucked up I might be.  At this point, there had been a few tears.  I decided that an appropriate punishment would be sleep on the living room floor.  When I came home, I grabbed a snack and collapsed on the couch with Pandora streaming through my laptop.

All of a sudden, I felt peace.  Nothing was in my body, nothing was tense.  It was like the post-orgasm bliss that is just satiated contentment, with a jouncy pop song.  After about 5 minutes of that, I'm back to being super tired and plan to sleep.on the couch, so not the floor and not my bed.

I need help.  This is at least the 15th time this has happened this year.  And I don't know how much more of this I can take.  Even if it means I get a crazy person label, it will be better than not knowing.

I'm seeing a doctor for the physical stuff Tuesday, and hopefully the counseling center will give me an appointment this time.

I'm a Big Girl now

Now that I have a new job and internship, I've decided to spend some time focusing on making my self more healthy and well-adjusted. After all, I'm technically an adult, so I really should start learning all of those things that adults are supposed to know.

 Adults know to:

1. Do household chores - Laundry, dishes, basic plumbing, electricity and clean different surfaces
2. Cook - 10 practical and healthy dinner recipes
3. Sort out money  - They understand loans, can keep a house budget, pay bills
4. Transport themselves - Know how to get around and fix/have alternate transportation if fails
5. Socialize - How to dress/socialize/communicate for different occasions. Also, how to memorize people's names.
• Be interesting - Have two hobbies in different areas of interest
6. Extra Credit: Understand and create investment/401K.

Looking at the list, I'm surprised at what I can do - and what I can't.  I can clean pretty much every damn thing - if I have a problem, it's that I don't want to.  I can do money, for the most part (after all, I do live on my own).  I take public transportation, and usually know multiple routes to get where I am going.  I usually know what is appropriate to wear to an occasion (although I may not follow it.  Or care.  Maybe I need to work on this?)  Investments I don't really understand, but I don't really have money to spare on future finances, so that's fine for a few years.

My main hangup is cooking - I don't and won't cook.  It's become a problem since I moved out of any place where someone else will cook for me.  Although peanut butter is amazing, it isn't okay to eat it by the spoonful as all three meals of the day.

Believe me, I've tried.

There's a few complications - as a self-sustained college student, I don't have much money to spend on food.  And, as a vegetarian, there is a significant portion of things that I can't eat, or have to modify to fit my diet.  So, I really do need to learn how to make more actual things from scratch.  I've gone online for help and recipes - I bought my first batch of canned pinto beans for an eventual burrito night.  It should be interesting.

Interp Practice

Laid off

Remember how I wasn't terribly worried about finding a new job?  Yesterday I got a crude awakening via text.  The owner of the business where I work decided to lay me off, citing slow business.

Through a text message.

That misspelled my name.

6 hours before my shift started.

When I called back, to ask questions, he screened my call and sent it to voicemail, listened to the message and then would text back.

I'm not really sad to not work there anymore - it was a dead-end job, with terrible hours, where the better manager had just been let go/quit, and the owner has no respect for his employees.  I was looking around for something before this, but the way in which the situation was handled was really hurtful.  I really just want to find him and tell him to grow up.

Coordination Costs, or How Did People Ever Survive Without the Internet!

I've been doing a lazy second job search for the past two weeks, secure in the knowledge that a) I work 16 hours a week, minimum already and b) I have a bank account with money in it, so I can still buy food and housing.

Still, I have more time than money and I would like to exchange the two at least temporarily.

Getting a serving job in DC seems to consist of three areas - wandering aimlessly around restaurants, pumping friends of friends for job openings, and applying online to the bigger chains.  None of these seem to be very efficient way of finding either workers or jobs.  It also doesn't indicate anything about their actual level of talent in the field.  There has to be a better way of doing this than waiting for someone qualified enough to wander in based on a piece of paper that was put up on the door.

I Can't Have Nice Things

After 9 months, I finally got around to getting my computer screen fixed.  For some people this would be a long wait, but there is nothing new about me putting off spending money on something I need/want.

My last four pairs of Converse are pretty good examples of this - they all were retired only after each pair developed noticeable holes in sides - and in one memorable pair, the bottom. 

(I was going to google image a picture of old converse, but not even google can match how bad my shoes were.)

For me, it's a combination of not liking to spend money and being lazy.  It takes too much effort to do all the things without having to pay people at the end of it.  Living is expensive enough without shelling out for all the accessories.

And yet.

My glasses are held together with tape, I eat donated oatmeal, nuts, and Top Ramen instead of buying groceries, more than 75% of my wardrobe is used clothes and still don't have lightbulbs or sheets because I don't want to have to buy them.  I'm not sure if I could afford to have another lifestyle, but it sure would be nice to not have to fret about expenses Iis this even a thing that will go away?).  Or to just be able to buy an ice cream without the induced money-guilt.

... I really want an ice cream now.

Back to October...

This weekend was the Carnival of Resistance down at Occupy DC, marking the half-year anniversary of our camp. Despite the music and festivities, you could feel how bittersweet the mood was - our own personal goodbye to the way Occupy was. Once green grass has been trampled by cops and protesters into dusty dirt patches. Tent communities have faded, post-eviction, into solitary, abandoned units. Energetic dancers were forced to stop when US Park Police announced that the balloons hanging from the central circle needed to be removed Or Else. Occupiers hustled to obey without questioning - a sight unthinkable pre-eviction.

But now, we know what Or Else means.

We have been beaten by police with batons. We have been stopped and spied on by Homeland Security. We have seen members of our community disappear suddenly, without explanation. And we know we have not seen the worst of the government's abilities.

(And yet, people still return to dance.)