Usually, when I sit down to write, it's to prevent myself from going crazy with sadness, anger, loneliness, etc. But today is different. I had a wonderful day - and I'm not afraid to talk about it.
Last night, while recovering from the pain of essays and projects (18 pages worth, no less), I decided to have a hot bath. With bubbles and music in the background. When I went to sleep, I still had the soothing aura that such marvelous baths give.
I was able to sleep in until noon, in a gigantic and soft bed. Then, I went over to my mom's house to help her move the heavier bits of furniture around. We laughed, talked, and shared with each other. (The one regret I have about moving out is that I don't get to spend as much time with my mom.)
When I came back to my living quarters, I made birthday cards and headed out to my friends' birthday party. Despite knowing only the birthday celebrants, I was able to have a fun time. I played pool, hid from pictures, and generally was grateful that I had decided to show up.
So, thanks, person who controls such things. I had a great day.
30 May 2010
25 May 2010
Blogs
For the lonely, depressed, passive-aggressive, or egotistic.
Why the fuck else would you blog?
21 May 2010
Don't post that!
Recently, I was given a wake-up call. Someone who I didn't know read this blog referenced something I wrote on here.
Hey, t3h egotist. Guess what? People read things that are left public.
When Facebook stalking is an accepted form of communication inconvenient blog reading is going to happen. Who knows? Perhaps even someday my grandmother will figure out how to turn on the Internet and use Google. (Currently, she thinks that the computer is a great machine because it does all the card shuffling on Solitaire for her.) As a blogger, I really should be careful what I put up here. Because it really could be bad if the wrong person read the right post.
And yet, the whole point of making posts is to let out all the angry and lost-ness inside of me, so I don't spew it on my friends, or start dialing people at midnight when I get all lonely. Self-censorship doesn't help that out.
Hey, t3h egotist. Guess what? People read things that are left public.
When Facebook stalking is an accepted form of communication inconvenient blog reading is going to happen. Who knows? Perhaps even someday my grandmother will figure out how to turn on the Internet and use Google. (Currently, she thinks that the computer is a great machine because it does all the card shuffling on Solitaire for her.) As a blogger, I really should be careful what I put up here. Because it really could be bad if the wrong person read the right post.
And yet, the whole point of making posts is to let out all the angry and lost-ness inside of me, so I don't spew it on my friends, or start dialing people at midnight when I get all lonely. Self-censorship doesn't help that out.
16 May 2010
Effiminite dude? Totally gay.
When I first heard about Glee, I despised it on principle. Stupid show with stupid drama - my conclusion was foregone.
But, with an obsessive pop-culture maven for a sister, I got hooked on the songs around the 8th episode. Not caring for the glitzy drama of the double-pregnancy issues, I would skip the shows and go straight to the songs. Eventually, I got lazy and watched the whole episode. The show was so stereotypical - the Head Cheerleader, the Football Quarterback, the Black Girl, the Gay Guy, the Drama Queen/Geeky Girl, the Slut, the Dumb Blond, the Inspired Teacher, and the Nemesis - everyone has their predetermined role and personalities. Even the guest stars are stuck in such rigidly defined roles - the three judges in "Sectionals" even had their stereotypes noted in the corner of the screen!
Ridiculous.
But after thinking about it, I have come to the conclusion that the writers of the show are either extremely brilliant or mediocre. They use these archetypes so blatantly that it is impossible to ignore them. Even the characters themselves refer to each other as the named archetype, not the character name (ie. "Mercedes is black and I'm gay, together we make culture"). This sort of in-your-face assumption forces viewers to admit to the assumptions that we pick up in society. If you are a specific race, personality, talent, or even the right haircut, you will be labeled as something. Glee, intentionally or not, has brought the hidden assumptions back to the forefront of our contiousnesses.
At least, when we are not singing along to the songs.
But, with an obsessive pop-culture maven for a sister, I got hooked on the songs around the 8th episode. Not caring for the glitzy drama of the double-pregnancy issues, I would skip the shows and go straight to the songs. Eventually, I got lazy and watched the whole episode. The show was so stereotypical - the Head Cheerleader, the Football Quarterback, the Black Girl, the Gay Guy, the Drama Queen/Geeky Girl, the Slut, the Dumb Blond, the Inspired Teacher, and the Nemesis - everyone has their predetermined role and personalities. Even the guest stars are stuck in such rigidly defined roles - the three judges in "Sectionals" even had their stereotypes noted in the corner of the screen!
Ridiculous.
But after thinking about it, I have come to the conclusion that the writers of the show are either extremely brilliant or mediocre. They use these archetypes so blatantly that it is impossible to ignore them. Even the characters themselves refer to each other as the named archetype, not the character name (ie. "Mercedes is black and I'm gay, together we make culture"). This sort of in-your-face assumption forces viewers to admit to the assumptions that we pick up in society. If you are a specific race, personality, talent, or even the right haircut, you will be labeled as something. Glee, intentionally or not, has brought the hidden assumptions back to the forefront of our contiousnesses.
At least, when we are not singing along to the songs.
13 May 2010
Just do it.
I just turned in a not-very-good essay to my English professor. It has been the main stress in my life for the past few days. All I can say now is thank goodness is that it is over - even if it wasn't that good, it's over.
Perhaps the end of the school year is presenting the same emotions for everyone else, but I have shut down what dreaming portions existed in my brain to "Just do it". Need to do a speech for class? No fancy Powerpoint, just do the dang speech. Essay on femeinist thought? Wikipedia totally counts as a source. Math homework? As long as it is turned in eventually...
I think that this has become my coping mechanism. So many things have gone AWOL in my life, that I have don't really have the mental abilities to go above and beyond the expectations presented to me. If it is on my list it will get done.
How well? Wait and see.
Perhaps the end of the school year is presenting the same emotions for everyone else, but I have shut down what dreaming portions existed in my brain to "Just do it". Need to do a speech for class? No fancy Powerpoint, just do the dang speech. Essay on femeinist thought? Wikipedia totally counts as a source. Math homework? As long as it is turned in eventually...
I think that this has become my coping mechanism. So many things have gone AWOL in my life, that I have don't really have the mental abilities to go above and beyond the expectations presented to me. If it is on my list it will get done.
How well? Wait and see.
11 May 2010
Parody of "Oh, Gravity"
This came out a lot more Emo than I expected it to. But then, it's been one hell of a month.
Don't be analyzing this for anything more than "Oh, wow. Th3 egotist rhymed things. And made syllables work". It isn't intended as anything more than an excuse for procrastination.
"Oh, Sanity"
There's a fracture in the two minds
In the lab-top world of Online.
By Facebook where the status might
Keep you company 'til the next night
In a different town, there's the same scar
In the same glow of Online afar
By the mute cell, where it might
Keep her company 'til the next night
Oh! Sanity.
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
Run away from me,
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
In the back room of the Pentagon
There's a red phone with a sign drawn
With a loud noise and a loud light
Watch the headline on the next night
Oh! Sanity.
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
Run away from me,
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
Why this tragedy?
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
Oh! Sanity.
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
In the fallout, the fallout
We found out the hype won't get you through
We're connected, connected
Now offline, the hype won't get you through
Oh! Sanity.
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
Run away from me,
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
Why this tragedy?
Why can't we seem to put it together?
Oh! Sanity.
Why can't we seem to put it together?
Don't be analyzing this for anything more than "Oh, wow. Th3 egotist rhymed things. And made syllables work". It isn't intended as anything more than an excuse for procrastination.
"Oh, Sanity"
There's a fracture in the two minds
In the lab-top world of Online.
By Facebook where the status might
Keep you company 'til the next night
In a different town, there's the same scar
In the same glow of Online afar
By the mute cell, where it might
Keep her company 'til the next night
Oh! Sanity.
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
Run away from me,
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
In the back room of the Pentagon
There's a red phone with a sign drawn
With a loud noise and a loud light
Watch the headline on the next night
Oh! Sanity.
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
Run away from me,
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
Why this tragedy?
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
Oh! Sanity.
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
In the fallout, the fallout
We found out the hype won't get you through
We're connected, connected
Now offline, the hype won't get you through
Oh! Sanity.
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
Run away from me,
Why can't we seem to keep it together?
Why this tragedy?
Why can't we seem to put it together?
Oh! Sanity.
Why can't we seem to put it together?
07 May 2010
I need a mental health vacation.
My life has been a big ball of stress for the past few days - I can't wait until this bit of my life is over.
Yesterday, I went to my usual meetings and class after my usual sleep-deprived Wednesday routine. My sister wanted to be picked up from school (cramps) and so I went directly there after finishing my school obligations. After picking her up, I remembered that I needed to drop off some walkers at my grandfather's convalescent home. She agreed to sit in the car while I ran the errand. On our way home from all of that, I got into a car accident. And not just any-old-car-accident, either.
I hit a cop.
A cop! For my first accident, I guess I had to go the whole way, right? Long story short, six cops showed up to mill around, while my sis and I discovered that our car's plastic bottom bit was dragging on the ground. She is now on crutches and I have whiplash and no car.
Today was the day my grandfather came home. This meant that I needed to leave school early to pick him up from the home. Because I stayed up cleaning the kitchen until midnight last night to get ready for his arrival, I was exhausted and barely finished my homework in time for class. I drove my grandfather home and mentally collapsed (physically, though, I had to keep going). Eventually, I managed to collapse on my bed. I could hear the battle sounds of both of my grandparents' televisions vying for the position of alpha noise-maker, and, later, my grandpa making wet cough noises that made me nauseous.
I hate being here, in this place. I want to hang out with my friends, sharing stories and laughing. I want to want to do something, and not just be obligated to. I want to stop needing, and I want to need more. I want.
But will I get?
Probably not.
Yesterday, I went to my usual meetings and class after my usual sleep-deprived Wednesday routine. My sister wanted to be picked up from school (cramps) and so I went directly there after finishing my school obligations. After picking her up, I remembered that I needed to drop off some walkers at my grandfather's convalescent home. She agreed to sit in the car while I ran the errand. On our way home from all of that, I got into a car accident. And not just any-old-car-accident, either.
I hit a cop.
A cop! For my first accident, I guess I had to go the whole way, right? Long story short, six cops showed up to mill around, while my sis and I discovered that our car's plastic bottom bit was dragging on the ground. She is now on crutches and I have whiplash and no car.
Today was the day my grandfather came home. This meant that I needed to leave school early to pick him up from the home. Because I stayed up cleaning the kitchen until midnight last night to get ready for his arrival, I was exhausted and barely finished my homework in time for class. I drove my grandfather home and mentally collapsed (physically, though, I had to keep going). Eventually, I managed to collapse on my bed. I could hear the battle sounds of both of my grandparents' televisions vying for the position of alpha noise-maker, and, later, my grandpa making wet cough noises that made me nauseous.
I hate being here, in this place. I want to hang out with my friends, sharing stories and laughing. I want to want to do something, and not just be obligated to. I want to stop needing, and I want to need more. I want.
But will I get?
Probably not.
04 May 2010
...
I did not and probably will not do any of the things on my list today. However, something occured to me that I've been thinking about for the past few days.
I've haven't been this hormonal since I was in puberty.
No wonder my debate partner keeps mentally slapping me upside my brain; I have become hysterical within my life. I even giggle. This is ridiculous. I cry at everything, even minor good things, like the essay I got a 90% on or a funny joke someone told. My moods have become more dramatic, more intense.
But why? I have a few different hypothesis. I just broke up with th3 goofball. This is the first time I have not been chasing/chased by a boy or going out with a boy since my freshman year of high school - quite a long time ago. I am not that person anymore. It is possible that the sudden jolt out of having someone is affecting my body and hormones. Another possibility is that I have repressed my emotions to some extent in order to take care of those around me (including my boyfriend). Without anyone to take care of, I have had to start to actually managing my emotions.
That's scary. No wonder I've been so focused on AB.
I'm not sure why I've started to become more emotional. Armchair therapists? I choose you.
(Because I dislike this whole crying jag.)
I've haven't been this hormonal since I was in puberty.
No wonder my debate partner keeps mentally slapping me upside my brain; I have become hysterical within my life. I even giggle. This is ridiculous. I cry at everything, even minor good things, like the essay I got a 90% on or a funny joke someone told. My moods have become more dramatic, more intense.
But why? I have a few different hypothesis. I just broke up with th3 goofball. This is the first time I have not been chasing/chased by a boy or going out with a boy since my freshman year of high school - quite a long time ago. I am not that person anymore. It is possible that the sudden jolt out of having someone is affecting my body and hormones. Another possibility is that I have repressed my emotions to some extent in order to take care of those around me (including my boyfriend). Without anyone to take care of, I have had to start to actually managing my emotions.
That's scary. No wonder I've been so focused on AB.
I'm not sure why I've started to become more emotional. Armchair therapists? I choose you.
(Because I dislike this whole crying jag.)
03 May 2010
Wear something lowcut to school.
Today's mission was to wear something revealing (and therefore out of my comfort zone). For the past few years, as th3 Goofball's girlfriend, I did not really wear anything risque; I didn't feel like I needed to and he is not comfortable with excess effeminate behavior. Time to change all that. For today's experiment, I put on a spaghetti-strap button-down shirt with some leggings and did not let myself put on my coat during any social interactions.
Boys.
Apparently they like cleavage. Or being talked to. Because today I hung out with many, many dudes.
I started my day in my math class. Despite being dead (math in the morning: not a good idea), I was still able to have a decent conversation with a couple other students. After class, I met up with the shy-but-smart-and-cute guy that sits next to me. He initiated the conversation - and smiled at me. We had a decent conversation before parting.
I then hung out in the lounge before class with a few of my (male) friends and acquaintances. We argued about politics and the current Arizona immigration policy. I won, insofar that that such a thing is possible. After that, I went to my English class, where we listened to a vaguely interesting lecture on how to use search engines. (Because no one knows how to Google). But after class, three of the guys and I walked out and started to chat. I had never talked really talked to two of them, but we had a good conversation.
If you hadn't noticed, the continual theme is that I had interesting conversations with boys, dudes, and men. I am not sure if this was because of the lowcut shirt, or my non-stressed smiling self, but I am glad that I have had such a wonderful day thus far - I can't wait to see what the afternoon brings for me!
Boys.
Apparently they like cleavage. Or being talked to. Because today I hung out with many, many dudes.
I started my day in my math class. Despite being dead (math in the morning: not a good idea), I was still able to have a decent conversation with a couple other students. After class, I met up with the shy-but-smart-and-cute guy that sits next to me. He initiated the conversation - and smiled at me. We had a decent conversation before parting.
I then hung out in the lounge before class with a few of my (male) friends and acquaintances. We argued about politics and the current Arizona immigration policy. I won, insofar that that such a thing is possible. After that, I went to my English class, where we listened to a vaguely interesting lecture on how to use search engines. (Because no one knows how to Google). But after class, three of the guys and I walked out and started to chat. I had never talked really talked to two of them, but we had a good conversation.
If you hadn't noticed, the continual theme is that I had interesting conversations with boys, dudes, and men. I am not sure if this was because of the lowcut shirt, or my non-stressed smiling self, but I am glad that I have had such a wonderful day thus far - I can't wait to see what the afternoon brings for me!
02 May 2010
Mental Sanity - no more, A.B.
The aforementioned friend that I had found to argue with is *confession time* is both cute and single. However, chasing him around isn't exactly conducive to a healthy mental process. So I have created a list of things to accomplish instead of sitting around fighting the urge to text the Argumentative Boy.
Healthy single life, here I come!
Healthy single life, here I come!
- Be flexible.
- Sing
Turn up the music in the car and dance to it.Wear something lowcut to school.Foot soak.- Eat enough sour candies to make myself visibly sated/sick.
Blog about each activity on here - post at least once a week.Movie Star Day - do Audrey Hepburn.Contact someone out of the blue.Kidnap a friend for the day.- Make a list that shows everything I own.
- Wear a cape for the day.
- Make/cook something labor-intensive.
- Smile at everyone I see for a day.
Purge my wardrobe. Again.- Find a job.
Go skinny-dipping.- Leave a letter in a library book.
Pay attention in class (with notes) for a whole day.Leave a crazy message on somebody's voicemail.- Picnic!
- Hike to the top of Blue Mountain. Stop at my old make-out spot.
- Agree to do something risque or crazy.
- Scavenger Hunt
01 May 2010
Girl's Night!
As the FC crowd already heard, I had a girl's night at my house. This has been a solution that had been rattling around in my head for a while - what with breaking up with the former love-of-my-life and becoming seriously attracted to another, who although technically single, is about as available to me as Barack Obama is to the head of the Birther movement, having a grandpa committed to a facility rehab, a depressed grandmother who keeps buying mountains of food, and needing to find a job and place to stay by July. In other words, I needed some time to become emotionally reattached.
And sane.
Another pressing concern was cute-ness. Since I have become single, I have tried to wear clothes that flatter me more. Jeans and t-shirts just don't cut it. So last night, when my friends were here, we had a clothes swap - and I got a few new outfits to wear. The rest we delivered to Goodwill - and, with the new space available in our respective closets, we went shopping there as well. It was much fun - even for the girls that were not interested in the concept of shopping to begin with.
The bonding that took place was good - I was not sure that the two groups of girls that I invited would mesh. But they did that well. Everyone was nice to each other and more importantly, not awkward. The stories each person told, of failed romance, of relationships, of goofiness, of themselves were so important - and I think, at some level, healing. Because we had all been there, we could console each others' pain - and rejoice in their triumphs over the communal guacamole. For those few hours we shared a bond that was real, regardless of external pressures and the stranger factor.
Girl's Night made it all better.
(So thanks - and I promise to stop sounding so cheesy. Because that was pretty cheddar-esque).
And sane.
Another pressing concern was cute-ness. Since I have become single, I have tried to wear clothes that flatter me more. Jeans and t-shirts just don't cut it. So last night, when my friends were here, we had a clothes swap - and I got a few new outfits to wear. The rest we delivered to Goodwill - and, with the new space available in our respective closets, we went shopping there as well. It was much fun - even for the girls that were not interested in the concept of shopping to begin with.
The bonding that took place was good - I was not sure that the two groups of girls that I invited would mesh. But they did that well. Everyone was nice to each other and more importantly, not awkward. The stories each person told, of failed romance, of relationships, of goofiness, of themselves were so important - and I think, at some level, healing. Because we had all been there, we could console each others' pain - and rejoice in their triumphs over the communal guacamole. For those few hours we shared a bond that was real, regardless of external pressures and the stranger factor.
Girl's Night made it all better.
(So thanks - and I promise to stop sounding so cheesy. Because that was pretty cheddar-esque).
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