My grandma passed away this morning. We knew that with a rapid Stage Four lymphatic cancer, her chances weren't good. But, shit, no one expected it to actually happen and to happen so soon. She was supposed to have 3-6 MONTHS, not weeks. I still don't really believe it.
I'm going to miss her.
She was an amazing, forthright woman who didn't take crap from anyone. Between her job(s), raising five kids, volunteering on various church committees, she still found time to be a truly generous person. She was the old lady of the neighborhood who always had ice cream in her freezer, just in case any kids came by. The mother and grandmother who always cooked too much food (like double or triple what was needed) for the amount of people coming, because she wanted them to feel loved. The lady so assertive, she almost got excommunicated from the Lutheran faith. That's not to say that she was perfect - she was very inventive in her ways of getting you to agree to what she wanted (she told us grandkids when we were little that if we didn't eat her snacks, we would become anorexics and starve to death) and created messes like nobody's business. But, man, she was an incredible, awesome, powerful lady.
I dunno how I can deal without her being here.
21 January 2011
17 January 2011
You won't get the satisfaction
I really want to hide and cry, but I'm leaving my door open and rocking out to tunes. Just cause I'm not the daemon Friend One portrayed me to be. So I hope she has fun trying to avoid my untroubled and calm self when she goes to bed. Cause I'm not going to crawl and I doubt she'd be satisfied with anything else.
But, local people, I would appreciate some rescuing.
But, local people, I would appreciate some rescuing.
16 January 2011
Drama llama came to visit
Friend One and I are having a Situation. Hopefully it will be resolved before the end of the day, because I can't take much more of this tension-filled, awkwardness that leads to her writing back-stabbing comments about me on Twitter.
Okay, that wasn't really fair, but I dunno how much longer I can be rational about this.
Stupid drama. No wonder some monks live isolated and celibate.
*Warning, censored expletives used*
Update (3:49pm): Four hours later, she came home. And doesn't want to talk yet. Frustrating. Especially in light of recent Twitter feeds - I dunno how many are intended for/are about me. I'm fairly certain that "Or you could ignore me and continue to be a little b****... Thats cool too." is, since she sent a similar message to my phone, but "C**t c**t c**t youre a c**t"? No clue. Since that is the one word that she despises above all others, whatever the issue is, it has to be pretty bad. And if the "Sure, you may have my sloppy seconds" was about me, what did I do to deserve it? Social media, you are not helping.
But thank you Internetz for helping me sit around until she decides to tell me what's up.
Update (11:40pm) She still hasn't emerged from her room. I tried to go over and make peace, but she refused to let me in. And vetoed the idea of having a list of transgressions before I could even get the sentence out. She's shut me out and I have only vague ideas as to why. This is why I dislike girls.
Update (next day, 5:37pm) After deciding to start a makeup conversation, Friend One initiated by saying that she wasn't going to apologize for anything, because nothing was her fault. She brought out a list of complaints, and wouldn't let me interject anything until she was done. About halfway through her list, she told me that I was not socially mature enough to be her friend and that there was no point in making up, because I was too hostile and etc. The phrase "Little Miss Perfect" got thrown in there as well. I feel like I should be more upset about this, but mostly I'm trying to figure out what constitutes being a "social retard" and why she thinks of me as such.
Okay, that wasn't really fair, but I dunno how much longer I can be rational about this.
Stupid drama. No wonder some monks live isolated and celibate.
*Warning, censored expletives used*
Update (3:49pm): Four hours later, she came home. And doesn't want to talk yet. Frustrating. Especially in light of recent Twitter feeds - I dunno how many are intended for/are about me. I'm fairly certain that "Or you could ignore me and continue to be a little b****... Thats cool too." is, since she sent a similar message to my phone, but "C**t c**t c**t youre a c**t"? No clue. Since that is the one word that she despises above all others, whatever the issue is, it has to be pretty bad. And if the "Sure, you may have my sloppy seconds" was about me, what did I do to deserve it? Social media, you are not helping.
But thank you Internetz for helping me sit around until she decides to tell me what's up.
Update (11:40pm) She still hasn't emerged from her room. I tried to go over and make peace, but she refused to let me in. And vetoed the idea of having a list of transgressions before I could even get the sentence out. She's shut me out and I have only vague ideas as to why. This is why I dislike girls.
Update (next day, 5:37pm) After deciding to start a makeup conversation, Friend One initiated by saying that she wasn't going to apologize for anything, because nothing was her fault. She brought out a list of complaints, and wouldn't let me interject anything until she was done. About halfway through her list, she told me that I was not socially mature enough to be her friend and that there was no point in making up, because I was too hostile and etc. The phrase "Little Miss Perfect" got thrown in there as well. I feel like I should be more upset about this, but mostly I'm trying to figure out what constitutes being a "social retard" and why she thinks of me as such.
12 January 2011
Trying something new
Whining is only interesting to the person doing it, generally. Plus, it gets old quickly. So here are some awesome things that happened to me today.
- My mom called me today at 6:18, waking me up and letting me be productive the whole day.
- A rainbow floated over my bed when I came home and chilled.
- No work today and groceries got bought.
- Spellcheck. Saves my life.
- No pressing OMG-I-really-have-to-do-this sort of things due today.
- Free food, pre-prepared all day. SO awesome.
- I have a coloring book for a textbook. I'm in college.
- I can almost walk normally on my foot (sprained ankle). Plus, I have a really good excuse not to mow the lawn or exercise for a bit.
- I switched my CD in my car to something awesome.
- I found out I don't have to pay rent this month.
- I got to take a hot shower and wear lazy clothes all day.
- I can use six pillows and still do homework comfortably on my bed.
- My roommate gave me a copy of the Quaran, so I don't have to bootleg it off of the Internets.
- My grandmother ate real food without balking at it.
11 January 2011
Th3 Balancing Act
Drinking tea and staring at my braced-and-propped-up foot. My sense of balance has always been off - of course I would jump down and *crack!* sprain my ankle. It's not like I couldn't tell that my balance was going.; whenever I get tired or have a good, intense workout my inner ear takes a vacation. But still, I was being ambitious and ignored the warning signs.
This seems to be a reoccurring problem in my life - not just being physically unbalanced, but mentally and emotionally off-kilter as well. I seem to be going good, balancing work, school, friends, family and POI(s)*, when I (metaphorically) fall on my butt. I HATE that. It's just when I think that I can almost make my life work, something goes wrong and I lose someone/thing because of it.
Maybe that's normal. I dunno. I just really want to be independent and alone and good at what I do. I don't need to be perfect, just at least competent at the things I do. No flaking, no failing, no forgetting. This just in: yeah, that's not happening. But facing, acknowledging that I can't do it all is hard. Like really hard. Like things-that-dent-concrete hard.
No wonder people bury themselves in sex, in alcohol, in friends, in relationships, in anything that they possibly can. Reality sucks otherwise.
*POI - Person Of Interest, usually of a romantic nature
This seems to be a reoccurring problem in my life - not just being physically unbalanced, but mentally and emotionally off-kilter as well. I seem to be going good, balancing work, school, friends, family and POI(s)*, when I (metaphorically) fall on my butt. I HATE that. It's just when I think that I can almost make my life work, something goes wrong and I lose someone/thing because of it.
Maybe that's normal. I dunno. I just really want to be independent and alone and good at what I do. I don't need to be perfect, just at least competent at the things I do. No flaking, no failing, no forgetting. This just in: yeah, that's not happening. But facing, acknowledging that I can't do it all is hard. Like really hard. Like things-that-dent-concrete hard.
No wonder people bury themselves in sex, in alcohol, in friends, in relationships, in anything that they possibly can. Reality sucks otherwise.
*POI - Person Of Interest, usually of a romantic nature
05 January 2011
I'm maxed out like the credit card of a new college graduate
Today Friend One told me to "Have a good day!" All I could respond was "... Okay"
Life has been really awful lately. Just before Christmas my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. Terminal cancer. Really fast, really bad, in-your-bones-and-you-just-have-to-wait-three-months-and-you'll-be-dead cancer. Needless to say, our Christmas was not so fun. My grandmother's only treatment option, besides waiting around to die, is to do chemotherapy and take a bone marrow shot periodically. The cost of the treatment (with her insurance) is more money than my parents managed to save for my sister's and my college educations.
Combined.
On top of that, I've been unemployed for the past month and have been living off of my savings. Friend Two came back and took our depressingly quiet house and turned it into an orgy. My sister yelled at me for not waking her up yesterday so I could take her job hunting and is really mad at me. One of the friends that I have just gotten used to depending on for support has gone AWOL. I'm already behind in my first week of online class,and our Internet is on the fritz, so I'm worried that it will go away at any moment. And to put a cherry on the top of my stress sundae, my mouth is covered in cracked and bleeding cold sores that won't go away.
When I came home tonight after putting my grandparents to bed and talking treatment options with my mom, my door was locked. While I was excavating my purse for my keys, the day's mail fell out from under the crook of my arm. As if it was some sort of signal, everything began to fall to the floor. The paper copies of my textbook, my coat, my peanut butter, my new shampoo, my phone. I was left in a circle of destruction holding my keys. At that point, I just wanted someone to open the door, to offer some sort of help.
But nobody came and I had to clean up the mess by myself in the dark.
This is what I feel like my life has become. Everything feels as if it is going to pieces and I'm powerless to stop it. All I can really do is try to mop up it all afterwords. And that's all I'm capable of doing - I'm so stressed out, it's ridiculous. I'm getting so snarky, I'm afraid that I'm going to start actually cussing somebody out, which is not my usual style (too unproductive) at all.
I'm so not ready for anything more to happen right now. Oh, wait. I'm applying for a third job (to start at the beginning of the semester, like the others) tomorrow. Can't wait to see how that goes.
Life has been really awful lately. Just before Christmas my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. Terminal cancer. Really fast, really bad, in-your-bones-and-you-just-have-to-wait-three-months-and-you'll-be-dead cancer. Needless to say, our Christmas was not so fun. My grandmother's only treatment option, besides waiting around to die, is to do chemotherapy and take a bone marrow shot periodically. The cost of the treatment (with her insurance) is more money than my parents managed to save for my sister's and my college educations.
Combined.
On top of that, I've been unemployed for the past month and have been living off of my savings. Friend Two came back and took our depressingly quiet house and turned it into an orgy. My sister yelled at me for not waking her up yesterday so I could take her job hunting and is really mad at me. One of the friends that I have just gotten used to depending on for support has gone AWOL. I'm already behind in my first week of online class,and our Internet is on the fritz, so I'm worried that it will go away at any moment. And to put a cherry on the top of my stress sundae, my mouth is covered in cracked and bleeding cold sores that won't go away.
When I came home tonight after putting my grandparents to bed and talking treatment options with my mom, my door was locked. While I was excavating my purse for my keys, the day's mail fell out from under the crook of my arm. As if it was some sort of signal, everything began to fall to the floor. The paper copies of my textbook, my coat, my peanut butter, my new shampoo, my phone. I was left in a circle of destruction holding my keys. At that point, I just wanted someone to open the door, to offer some sort of help.
But nobody came and I had to clean up the mess by myself in the dark.
This is what I feel like my life has become. Everything feels as if it is going to pieces and I'm powerless to stop it. All I can really do is try to mop up it all afterwords. And that's all I'm capable of doing - I'm so stressed out, it's ridiculous. I'm getting so snarky, I'm afraid that I'm going to start actually cussing somebody out, which is not my usual style (too unproductive) at all.
I'm so not ready for anything more to happen right now. Oh, wait. I'm applying for a third job (to start at the beginning of the semester, like the others) tomorrow. Can't wait to see how that goes.
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