For my archives.

Old Dogs By Stephen Dunn Those Trotskys of relationships, perpetual revolution their motto, their impatient hearts dangerous to all that's complacent, I understand them perfectly and also why someone they've left behind might travel all the way to Mexico with a pickaxe to put an end to things. It's human nature, after all, to want to put an end to things. And to start up again. "Because you can't teach old dogs new tricks," Dinah Washington said, "you got to get yourself some new dogs" She was explaining her eight husbands, And this was the argument for nine. If I'd known anyone of her old dogs no doubt I'd understand why he might have just wanted to lie on the couch and go for short walks. I've wanted to do nothing as often as I've wanted to rise up, rush into the night. Falling in love produces such anxiety, my friend says, thank God there's sex for some occasional repose. He lives for scattered episodes with one women at a time I understand that, too. as I understand year after year doing a few same things in the same house with the same person settled and unsettled, for the long haul.

Saying Yes

Since I broke up with my last bf a few weeks ago, I've acquired a new friends-with-benefits. It's the first time I've ever done anything so deliberately casual, but I'm interested in trying it out. I've enjoyed the guy's friendship for over a half year, and we've been riffing on Facebook for longer than that. He used to debate, so he likes the give and take of a good argument. Since entering the FwB arrangement, we've sent a few sexts and we're very sexually compatible, at least thought-wise. I know he's been in a long-term relationship, but mostly dicked around relationship-wise last year, so he has some experience in different contexts. He also prioritizes asking for consent - something that I haven't really experienced in my last few relationships. Turns out,consent is mad sexy. I'm not really interested in a relationship with him at this point, because it would certainly cause Drama of all sorts. And, long-term, we have different goals and emphases, so I don't know how that would work out (he's status-obsessed, I firmly identify as a proletariat). But for the time being, it's nice to have someone who's upfront about what they want and approach it rationally.

Taming the Shrew

I just realized that I don't trust anyone I hang out with on a regular basis. So, there's that. I'm not sure if that's a me-thing or a friends-thing (or possibly being an adult?) All I know is, I already know what advice I'm going to get from everyone before I ask them, no matter what situation I'm dealing with. I know who's going to comment when I get drunk, or worse, don't drink at all. I know who doesn't care. On one level, it makes life very boring and predictable. On another, I have no way to get good advice. On a third level, I am only interested in trusting and associating with people on my intelligence level, and if you consistently act as a stereotype, it doesn't lend credence to the existence of intelligence. Also, when I get bored with something, I make it harder. And I hate being a drunk. But, I historically have never been good at expressing emotions or vulnerabilities. And that goes doubly with dudes (guess that's why I'm 5-0-1 with the breakups, eh?) So, it's possible that me not trusting people is me making excuses for blocking genuine connections with people. If that's the case, I doubt that it's ever going to be resolved. I'm too damn stubborn about my independence to be willing to do the vulnerable thing.

Symptoms

I think something is seriously wrong, which means documenting symptoms is key.  Plus I don't have anyone that I can trust with this that could help or be willing to listen to me talk about this without judgement.

For the past few weeks (at least 4) I've been very tired, on both a mental and physical wavelength.  I've been too tired to socialize, to concentrate, or even to physically get out of bed in the morning.  I've changed my eating habits, bought iron tablets, slept more, but nothing has helped.  It's really getting to me - I have the urge to nap 90% of the day - and haven't been to one of my classes in a week and a half, because I lack the motivation to climb out of bed (I wake up an hour before I need to leave, and just sit.  I know the consequences, and scold myself, but I don't move).  I occasionally get dizzy spells, with minor vertigo (currently happening), but nothing that makes me think that I'm going to pass out or otherwise have issues.  I've also been significantly less hungry, although I've been making a point to try to eat /something/.

Mentally, I've been fairly depressed, but generally functional until the past week.  I started screwing up at work, slowing down the workflow at my internship, avoiding schoolwork - and midterms.  I've been hiding from people socially, and avoid interactions with people who know me.  I've still been able to put on my stranger/acquaintance face, though.  (I think other people are noticing that something's up - one of the dude's at work made an enquiry, but he might have been playing head games.  He does that).

Today, after a nap in the most fascinating class that I'm taking this semester, which I also haven't been able too take notes in for the past two weeks, due to a slowed brain, and some scheduled socialization, I had the urge to go sleep in the library (sometimes, when I get stressed, I feel better if I go sleep somewhere else, away from other humans and relative comfort.  Back in Ca, I would drive to a certain park.  Now, I use the school's 24/7 library).  I asked my bf, if he thought that I could get away with my outfit at work tomorrow, he said it was hideous. (Rebuke: rephrasing).  I walked to the bus, with a full blown anxiety problem.  First, I obsessed over my 1 page outline, due Tuesday, then whether I should dump by boyfriend, pregnancy fears, how douchy I was to drop that word on my bf, then my lack of true friends, then back to the bf, then to how bad of a student I am at this fucking school, then to how fucked up I might be.  At this point, there had been a few tears.  I decided that an appropriate punishment would be sleep on the living room floor.  When I came home, I grabbed a snack and collapsed on the couch with Pandora streaming through my laptop.

All of a sudden, I felt peace.  Nothing was in my body, nothing was tense.  It was like the post-orgasm bliss that is just satiated contentment, with a jouncy pop song.  After about 5 minutes of that, I'm back to being super tired and plan to sleep.on the couch, so not the floor and not my bed.

I need help.  This is at least the 15th time this has happened this year.  And I don't know how much more of this I can take.  Even if it means I get a crazy person label, it will be better than not knowing.

I'm seeing a doctor for the physical stuff Tuesday, and hopefully the counseling center will give me an appointment this time.