Que he hacido (or what I have done).

With the end of the forensics season - and not having a long-distance relationship anymore - I have suddenly found loads of spare time with which I can do things.  This has been problematic, as it means that I have had time to brood and be moody at people (re: read the rest of my blog).  However, it also means that I now have time to figure out what needs to be figured out.  I have been doing new things to try to find out what I like to do as a single person, as me.

• Clubbing.  I went and re-discovered that I dislike dancing at dances/clubs.  I don't really know how to and what I do remember (from the 8th grade, mind you) strikes me as so very mechanical.  People pick 3 basic moves that they can preform adequately and repeat them.  All night.  They also enjoy trying to rub themselves on other people in order to raise their overall image in the eyes of people not involved in the direct process.  So silly.  Also, the club that we went to had music that I didn't know, which doesn't help break the monotony.

• I found someone to argue with. This is amazing.  I didn't realize how much I missed having to defend my own position on something - usually I am on the attack or am not allowed to argue.  So meeting a friend who has similar interests and wants to argue made my day whole month.  This is probably the reason I talked about him to everybody.

 

• As a single chick, I am back into the precarious position of proving to society that I am ssocially capable.  While with th3 goofball, I did not need to prove that I was cute - I already had someone.  But now, even though I have no intention of having a boyfriend, I have a compulsive need to show that I am attractive.  This has resulted in the wearing of necklaces.  And a strange desire to go shopping for clothes.  Cute clothes - including a sun dress.  I have also stopped wearing ponytails everywhere. (I am a headband person now.)

•  Concentration on schoolwork.  While the drama of being in forensic tournament month and being the source of relationship angst and eventual breakup happened, I wasn't able to concentrate on my schoolwork - too many other things were happening in my head.  But now that school has started, and I am unable to be moody full time, I am actually doing better, and am only procrastinating at my normal levels.

Boredom: the sob story

Being single is about being bored.

At least it is so far.  I just broke up with my best friend.  Because th3 Goofball was always there, I didn't really feel the need to go out and make new friends.  Besides, with the time set aside for relationship maintenance, forensics, homework, home work, and actual school, I really didn't have time to go out and make new friends.  So I didn't.

And now I am really feeling the other end of that decision. I am really bored and moody, due to recent events - and I have few people to talk to.  It got so bad for a while that I tried to have an emotional talk with my grandma (Disclaimer: I genuinely enjoy my grandmother's company.  However, her advice and support are not really useful, as she is bound to make archaic and tactless judgments).  I am seriously lonely in my new, single state.  Because I am not feeling the love anymore.

Adjustments

I hate ambiguity with a passion.  I love knowing where I stand, in what categories, with what rules.  So this being single thing is hard.  I don't know the rules, the customs, anything.  I mean, the last time I was single, I was just starting my junior year of high school.  I am not that girl anymore - even I can tell that I have changed.

The next couple of weeks will be interesting, to say the least.  I can only hope to be up to the challenge.

It is finished.

Guilty as charged.

I had fun today.

My sister was tired of my moping and needed someone to drive her around (Senior Ditch Day apparently matters to high school seniors - whodathunk?).  I was elected to be her chauffeur and companion around her favorite amusement park.  I was, under no circumstances, allowed to ruin her fun time by skulking around.  She was there to have fun, by golly, and so would I.

And I did.

She and I had an amazing morning.  The wait times for rides were startlingly low - we didn't wait more than 15 minutes for any ride, even the most popular ones.  After finishing the rides that we wanted to go on (usually an all day task) by mid-morning we amused ourselves by taking fun and funny pictures and by shopping.  Although we usually have a love-to-hate relationship, we didn't have single argument all day, an occurrence so rare, I can't remember the last time it happened.  When I had to leave, I was genuinely sorry to go; I wanted to spend more time with her.

And yet I feel guilty.  Somewhere out there camping is th3 goofball, who was just informed that his long-term girlfriend doesn't love him anymore.  He's probably off stewing,trying to figure out how to "fix" the situation.  Not having fun, on a trip that was supposed to be about having fun with his friends.

And I didn't think about him/the situation/our relationship all day.  It wasn't even on the back of my mind.  In fact, the only time I really think about it is when I talk to him; the rest of the time I just feel guilty for not feeling anything else.

I think this is one of the reasons I want to end our relationship - being able to even think about maintaining our relationship is going to take work and commitment that I don't think that I will give.  If, in the bit that is supposed to be all about despair and chaos and woe I am having fun and ignoring the problem, then I am not equipped to even think about repairing the gap in our relationship, if in fact that is what it is.

I think that I want to walk away.  And that makes me feel guilty.

Bad Week

Ah, Spring Break.  So full of potential nothing time wherein no requirements exist.

What a load of crap.

• Chores.  They exist.  Personal chores, chores for my grandma, and chores for my mom.  And, since it is Spring Break and I have nothing else to do... *hint* take my sis places as well.
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• Sleep.  This was missing in vast quantities during Nationals.  As I was in a competition room, nap potential was wayyyy down.  After the tournament, I kept talking to people.  This did not help my yen for a good, solid nap.  I am finally starting to catch-up on sleep.  Thank God.
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• Relationships.  While I was at Nationals, I came to an unwelcome realization.  I am not in love with th3 Goofball.  I used to be, but I am not anymore.  This sucks, because I have a ton of respect for him and want him to be genuinely happy.  In addition, he's still in love with me.  I feel really guilty for doing this, but I think it would be unfair to him otherwise.  I also really don't want to be stuck in a love-less relationship.  Or a one-ended love relationship.  So I think that I made the right choice in telling him.  But that doesn't make hearing him cry while saying "I love you" any less hard to hear.  I just want him to be okay - and I don't think that's going to happen for a while.  And I can't do anything about it.  Which more than sucks.
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• Rectal bleeding.  My grandfather has it.  He's in the hospital and is doing better.  But still bleeding from his butt.  Which reminds me; I need to quit writing and post, so I can go clean up his messes.

This post has been quite negative, because, well, this week has been crappy.  Hopefully next week has better news.  Or stories of an amusing nature.